The Awakening

Here I am. I've scuttled over from my other blogs, feeling a bit naughty because I broke my rule of Updating All Of My Blogs All Of The Time.

Tonight I am on Jam-Jar Wine (That Paul Masson stuff).

Oh yum.

So in a nutshell what has happened recently...

Sadness! Two of my lal boys have passed over. Jeordie decided to randomly pop his clogs, then my beloved Trent O'Pig followed a week later. Only Hefner is left now, but I don't think he's too bothered as it means he gets all the vegetable scraps. An online memorial can be found for Trent O'Pig here (He lives on thru the power of the internet! Feel free to sing 80's power ballads to him!)

What else? My blogs have got bigger and the word is spreading (particulary around Garstang!), and I'm currently studying to become a holistic therapist. This is something I wanted to do 3 years ago, but life basically put a big sign in front of me saying "YOU'RE NOT READY YET!!!"

I studied massage and aromatherapy back then, which is something I want to pick up this time with a more professional qualification so I can practise. I've also passed Reiki 1st Degree (just got to write up my case studies then I should have finished 2nd Degree too).

Basically everything is very busy at the moment - so I'm just going to have to wait and see where life takes us!

Away to Whitby

We went to Whitby for a long weekend, thankfully before it really started to tip it down. This is part of the view from the hotel...


Whitby is reputedly a pretty haunted place (though I never saw anything, grump). Was this Captain Cook's ghostly ship sailing out to sea? Nah, but for 2 quid you could have a ride of this replica and sing silly songs.


There are a lot of steps in Whitby. A bloody lot. If you can get to the top of some you can get some lovely views such as this one...


Here I am looking rather pleased with myself. Unfortunately, shortly afterwards I dared to wade in deeper and got a rather wet crotch.


Well, it was cheaper than flowers.


A rather jaunty angle of the Church at the top of the 199 Steps. Dad recovering from said steps in corner.


Don't you just love the warm and friendly welcome that the Church gives you?

I'm Still Here!

Wow, it's been over a month - oh dear!

I've been a bit of a busy bee with getting my websites up and running - links are in the sidebar people!

My Freelance Writer site includes another blog, where I add information for fellow writers, as well as any useful resources I find on the Internet. This is also the site to go to if you want any web copy, articles, or absolutely anything produced by my own hand! I'm going to start work on a portfolio section to add to my site as well.

The other two sites are my journey into the world of hyperlocal blogging, something I'm finding very enjoyable and hope to develop over the coming months. So if you live in Garstang or Kendal, keep checking back to watch my baby blogs grow!

Finally there's a link to my other half's website - He does the website design and search engine optimisation side of things, and he's really rather good at it.

Apart from that, there isn't a great deal to report. Hefner is seriously fat and looks like a snowball, and the poor thing has a cold. I fed him lots of spinach and now he thinks he's Popeye.

Right, I'm going back into the abyss...

*wine-inspired thought of the day*

Google does a lot of things.

'Is there anything Google cannot do?' I pondered. Which brings me on to a couple of suggestions to add some more strings to their bow.  

Google will walk your dog while you are at work, down whichever route you specify on Google Maps. It will also search for any poops your mutt makes en-route and put them in the Googlebag.

Feeling tired/want to go out with the lads/wife's a munter? Google will satisfy your other half while you get on with your life. Simply log into your account and select length of session, approximate no. of orgasms per session and preferred methods of stimulation. Google recognises that you are likely to be unsure about the latter, so helpfully provides you with a 'random' option. 
If I actually thought about it I could probably go on all night so I'll leave it there.

Update

Yes, I'm dicking about with my blog layout. I have a lot to learn!

You wait, by 2012 I'll be a Blog Guru. And I'll look back fondly on these days.

Change in the House of Flies

People who know me will be shocked to discover that I got up at half past 6 today. Er yeah, in the morning. And I intend to continue with this now the summer is here (well maybe the summer bit is wishful thinking, it's just lighter). I have a lot to do. It's all very secret, mainly because I don't entirely know where I'm going with it yet. But once my husband returns from his day job, I shall be using my pester power to get the design of my website underway. It will be a beautiful thing.

Time for a few pictures now...

Me in my rather lovely wedding dress, pretending I'm not freezing in gale-force winds.

Surveying my kingdom part-way up Winder in Sedbergh

UV rocks at the Keswick Mining Museum!

Congratulations are in order to my parents, who are celebrating their silver wedding anniversary today. It may also interest you to know that in September, I will reach the age of...25. Hmm.

Recap

Haven't blogged for quite a while now, but worry not, you haven't missed much in my terribly exciting life. At all.

Well I am now Mrs Greenwood, which makes me feel older, but in a good way. The wedding day was possibly one of the windiest days of the year, so I completely and utterly froze my tits off when it came to the photographs. My worries of being pissed before the ceremony were unfounded as I only had time for 2 glasses of wine, and spent from half 8 till half 2 in the afternoon getting ready.

Anyway my purple wedding dress went down a treat, sadly I had to go home and get changed in the evening as by that point id been laced into it all day, forgot to eat much of the wedding breakfast and was on the verge of passing out. Thankfully after changing into something more comfortable I got my second wind, and got pissed as a fart.

The honeymoon was spent up in Sedbergh in a house looking up at Winder fell, which we had a ramble up to the top of one day. It was very relaxing apart from the bits where I had to drive. 

I cannot write anymore as my headache is back. It may be something to do with the half bottle of gin I've drunk tonight. Surely not...

Migration

So to update - I am getting married 2 weeks tomorrow. I'm currently a mixture of excited and nervous, but as Martin is going down to Birmingham tomorrow for his stag weekend, I am currently shitting bricks. Possibly not whole ones. I haven't had a panic attack yet, but I'm not far off, so I'm sure they will grace me with their presence later on.

My plan is to go to my parents' house on Friday night. Not only can I get drunk for a nominal fee, I will also have people around me to calm me down and stop worrying. My plan is then to drive back on Saturday after my dress fitting, so I'm not sure how I will fare then. If anyone wants to go to the pub in Lancaster...!

Roll on the 21st - and look for a 6' Queen of Hearts stumbling around Lancaster City Centre...

(Trent's mind is) Slipping Away...

Oh for Godssake... read this (then puke)

NOW what do I do??

Well it's gone and bloody happened hasn't it... thanks to the Great Conspiracy, me not being a fake, 2-faced backstabber and a load of other vague bullshit that was laughably off the mark, I find myself out of a job. So kids, don't work hard, cause for some people you'll never be middle-class enough and they won't think you are even worthy of polishing their shoes.

So like many people at the moment, I'm sat here thinking 'wtf??' and wondering where I can find a job when they are sort of turning into hen's teeth. This would be my ideal opportunity to throw caution to the wind and write for a living, the only problem with that being that if I earnt peanuts from being the office monkey/scapegoat, then I'll be earning their shells doing the thing I want to do. Do I have qualifications? Does A2 English Language & a year of the same at uni count? Do I have experience? Hell yeah, I've been using a pen and paper for 22 years!

Incidentally, I was drawn back to Helium today and found the weird piece I wrote about various guinea pigs that have had the misfortune to have a slightly eccentric straggly-haired kid looking after them. Would you like to read it? Testimonies: My Guinea Pig. Look, it's got to number 1! Ace. Obviously the star of the piece is Trent, spotted here Hangin' With Jeordie...

Where the sod is the hash key on a MacBook??

Heres Hefner (he's having a drink, which I might do in a minute...)

Obviously, losing my job 8 weeks before my wedding day is not very helpful to say the least. But we've found some cheap and cheerful table centrepieces... just a candle in a bowl with some stones, but does anyone give a crap what is in the middle of the table? Can they even see straight at this point?

Well I have two things to be getting on with now - writing my CV (pls employ me, I am ace) and writing until my hand falls off.

2 months to go..

...until I earn the title of 'Mrs Greenwood'! And I have one wedding present that I'm desperately hoping to get...

A peg for my nose. I am surely marrying the gassiest man on the planet. Not only do I endure the usual being-trumped-on-in-bed, but now I cannot relax in my living room without inhaling toxic fumes. If anyone finds this, I want you to know that I had a long, painfully stinky death.

In other news, I've now ordered my wedding flowers from Mrs Bouquets. Decided to go with artificial flowers, as they cost less and I can get them out in 15 years and be all nostalgic. The bouquet is made up of ivory roses, with a scattering of black pearls & feathers.

So I'm currently planning the table centrepieces, after being told I really should have some. If I cant think of anything creative enough, I may go down the vases-filled-with-old-sweet-shop-sweeties route.

I would write more, but I can no longer breathe.

I don't like Mondays...

I really don't pay attention. I spent weeks crafting my first proper article on procrastination, and now I have become the queen of it. I will write something this week, I promise.

I've also become one of those women that spend their entire life on ivillage and fertility friend. Only a female TTC (thats Trying To Conceive for the uneducated) could possibly get excited about cervical fluid consistency. 

Work is dreary as ever, and I have become a creature of routine:

8.10 - Roll out of bed, walk into at least 1 door, and swear a lot when contact lenses refuse to go into eyes.

8.30 - Potter round flat getting ready and telling the people on GMTV they're a bunch of f**king idiots.

9.00- Have half a fag out the kitchen window, and swear at the spirit of Martin for leaving some electrical equipment switched on.

9.25 - Watch the trailer for todays Jeremy Kyle, snort and leave for work.

9.30-11.00 - I can't remember, I go into autopilot.

11.00 - Smoke other half of fag. Go to the toilet and slap myself round the face to wake up.

12.00 - Have a cup of moccachino. Ponder life.

13.00-14.00 - Go home for lunch. Talk at the guinea pigs.

14.00 - 17.30 - A mixture of swearing, looking out the window, wee breaks and huffing and puffing.

17.40 - Arrive home. Wake up. Drink.

See you tomorrow...